Excuse me while I go insane outside of my head; everything inside is as normal as ever

Paradox #1: Often thoughtful, introspective, and educated, but at times still naive.

Yeah pretty much. (The more I know about the world the less I know)

NO this post will not make sense (it will make perfect sense)

I'm standing in a very white room with blood splattered all over the walls and I can't remember why, except that it was wrong-- and every time I look at the clock it's further ahead then where it should be, things are slipping by so fast. It's like I'm sitting in a lecture and the professor is speaking too quickly for my mind to even comprehend what he's saying, because I grasp at the edges of words and fail to understand the sentence and the paragraph.

I don't really know how to describe anything except that I feel bad for everyone, because we're trapped inside our heads trying to make sense of this world that is far too vast and dark. We're alone and it is so unsafe to reach out to anyone or anything because they make even less sense than anything else. We judge each other by the rules we've made up inside our own heads so everything is a misunderstanding. Everyone else must be wrong-- everyone else must be evil.

(I keep typing things and when I read them again they're different than when I typed them...)

For years and years I've acted as a mediator between friends, trying to wade through all of the lies each party makes (not because they mean to lie but because we all change reality to save ourselves from being shredded on its teeth) and find out what really happened, but fuck, really, what's the point. I'm so tired of it. I have all of these expectations for people and they always just seem to crumble down around me. I'm just going to sit back and put on some headphones and convince myself that everyone truly is good inside, and that I'm going to be honest with people this time...

(and this has all happened before)

I keep resorting back to people that don't exist outside my head. (I sometimes think they're better friends than anyone oustside of my head. I'm holding out for someone I can touch but so far I've been disappointed.) Characters, I call them. They're actually just methods I use to cope with things. But they have, you know, personalities and stuff (that sounds way less crazy right? Wait why do I care what it sounds like?). At this point one would be sliding his arm around my shoulder and reiterating that, everything changes, nothing changes. People don't change, people can change. (He's right, I say. Well, he should know-- he's been around for a long time). And Rask is like, bank accounts? Overdrawn? Feck that, I'll loan you some gold...

(And Mace is the one in the room with the bloody walls-- he's messed up again and he knows that all too well)

But things will work out, right? In the end? This isn't actually a big deal anyway...