Circumstantial Paradox

So here I sit, at 1:30am on a Monday, with lesson plans and units and papers staring at me, with a full day of classes and work tomorrow leering in the background, and despite the two 20 oz bottles of Diet Pepsi I bought earlier to help me focus, my mind keeps wandering back to certain moments, certain topics of discussion that don't belong in a classroom. Mainly, what a strange paradox my life has become recently.

For about a year I've sworn off men, as far as boyfriends are concerned. My luck hasn't been great with them in the past, though not for lack of supply or interest; I just seemed to attract the needy, insecure ones again and again. Okay, so maybe only two were like that, but the fact remains that the outlook was grim. Of everyone I knew at my tiny college of 2,000 students, none of them really struck my interest in a datable fashion. After a disaster of an attempt at dating someone from the internet (the World of Warcraft game to be specific), I decided that I was done looking for love of any sort. I didn't need a boyfriend, I told myself. I had friends and school to keep me occupied enough, and I've always been naturally independent and content with amusing myself. I didn't need some boy to come in and demand all of my attention and time, as my previous boyfriends had been wont to do. A "Bumper Sticker" I added on facebook summed it up for me, proclaiming: "I'm single, with no intentions of looking for a guy; this time I'm letting him find me."

Who would have thought that such words would be so apt, because find me he did. Turns out he was under my nose all along, someone I had had multiple classes with, who slowly became a part of my life. We became even closer when my friend, Anne (name changed for sake of privacy), convinced me to join the tabletop role-playing group he'd started on campus.

I can't explain why, exactly, it didn't occour to me to date him sooner. Part of the reason may have been because Anne had eyes for him as well, but it was probably mostly that "I'm not looking for a boyfriend" mentality. He'd liked me since he met me in Tennis class, of all places-- when I hardly looked my best, unshowered with my hair unceremoniously thrown up in a ponytail, cursing loudly as the ball escaped the wrath of my tennis racket. I'd had no idea-- or at least I wouldn't admit it to myself.

To change gears a bit in this ramble, I want to talk about my friend, Anne. My best friend, I should say, as we've been so since 8th grade (about 7 years now). Seven years, through some of the most defining years of your life, is a long time to be friends. Looking back, it's obvious how friends have shaped who I am today-- whether by encouraging me to grow, or by holding me back. I feel now that Anne has done a bit of both, though which she's done more of I couldn't say.

There's a saying, "you can't find the woods if you're hiding in the trees". I feel it applies to my situation with Anne. Earlier this year, around January, she headed off to Japan for an entire semester through our college's exchange program. At first I told her adamently that I didn't know what I was going to do when she was gone. We've been practically attatched at the hip for seven years! But as the deadline for her departure drew closer, I found that those words began to lack truth. I guess I got used to the idea. She left, and now in April I've found that I've grown even more self-sufficient, motivated, and responsible. I enjoy the time I spend with my 'other' friends, which includes my sorority which Anne didn't join-- a fact at first something of a burden, and now mostly a relief.

This isn't to say that she went off to Japan and I completely abandoned her. I called her, left comments on her facebook and blog, chatted with her on AIM when possible. But recently we managed to get in a rather large arguement, whose inital cause, as per usual for such things, was something rather trivial that only served as a spark for all the fuel lurking beneath the surface. Understand that this was not the first of our arguements; we've had several, particularly within the past year or so. I've felt and still feel that every time I apologized, I sought out a sane discussion, and I took at least some of the blame. This time I felt that I had done nothing wrong; I wouldn't grovel and fall back on the "lets forget about it" option. She essentially ended the whole thing by saying "I'll see you in two months". Well, she's the one that said it, not me.

Interestingly enough, this was right after I started dating the guy I was talking about earlier. The one she'd dated, and then broke up with. It was never right between them, and she'd told me so numerous times (to this day there's no hard feelings between them), but still she managed to feel "dissapointed" when I mentioned I wanted to ask him out. "Just as someone who dated him before", she told me. This was only a week or so before our fallout, and it confused and irritated me just as much then as it does now. Dissapointed?! Who is she to say such a thing; she's not my mother. She's supposedly my friend. She has every right to feel however she wishes, but-- and this is part of the problem with the larger arguement-- she doesn't need to inform me of it. There are some things as friends that you do to spare each other, and that should have been one of them.

But let her be dissapointed. This man has made me happier than I've ever felt; he's like my best friend, now. I would say he is, since my last effectively dumped me. Just spending time with him is a joy, and I find myself missing him almost constantly when we're not together. I don't think I've missed Anne since the first few weeks she was gone.

In reflection, I suppose I can at the most conclude what has been said numerous times; lessons such as how we blind ourselves when we don't keep our minds open to new possibilities, that distance allows us to see things more clearly, and perhaps most importantly, that when one door is closed, a window opens.

I have no doubt that Anne and I will renew our friendship on her return, but I don't think it can ever be the same. Part of me is closed off from her at the moment, perhaps forever. There's a fair amount of history there, not all of it good. And if she still holds "dissapointment" in me for dating her ex, there will only be trouble, since I plan on spending as much time with him as possible.

Only time will tell, but for now, the ball's in her court.